Stop Beating Yourself Up: Rewrite Your Inner Story

My parents are in a cult…

Okay, that's an exaggeration, but they do play a lot of pickleball, which is at the least, cult adjacent. Ashley (my wife) and I have played against them many times, and despite their arthritis, knee injuries, and one rigid big toe, we have never come out on top.

It's actually embarrassing, and now you all get to share in my shame. In our last game, after we came closer than we ever have to winning, my mom told me one of her cult pickleball stories. One of her fellow picklers was having a bad game and was verbally beating herself up about it. My mom looked at her and said, "Hey, don't talk to my friend like that!"

As moms often do, she taught me a lesson without meaning to. Far too often, we run this same negative internal dialogue on ourselves.

"I always quit." "What's the point? I'll just fail again." "I'm not disciplined enough for this." "What's wrong with me?" "I'm lazy."

For too many of us, these are our default stories, our explanatory style for past behavior. And that explanatory style tends to dictate our future, because it's our behavior that dictates our trajectory.

So there's a throughline: we run a story, the story drives our behavior, and our behavior drives our outcome. Which means if you want to change your outcome, you change your behavior. And if you want to change your behavior, you change your story. Here are three things you can do.

Think about a time you fell short despite your best efforts. What did that inner dialogue sound like? Was it harsh and critical, or was it supportive? We're often far harder on ourselves than we'd ever be on a friend.

In a recent coaching call, Dani described herself as "lazy." When I asked why, she said, "I'm lazy because I can't seem to stick to anything."

Think back: when was the last time you called a friend lazy to their face? You probably can't think of a single instance. So the next time that negative internal dialogue surfaces, pause and ask yourself: would I ever talk to my best friend like this? Beating yourself up rarely leads anywhere productive.

Your explanatory style is the habitual way you explain everyday setbacks to yourself. There are three dimensions to it.

First, internal versus external. Is the cause something about you, or something about the situation? Dani called herself lazy, an internal explanation, when the reality was she worked two jobs and was raising a kid alone, a much more accurate external one. You might say "I came up short because the task was genuinely hard," instead of "because I'm not good enough."

The second dimension is permanent versus temporary. Do you see the cause as a fixed, unchangeable trait, or as something tied to that specific day or circumstance? "I always quit" treats one bad stretch as a permanent feature of who you are. "That week got away from me" treats it as temporary, which is usually closer to the truth.

Third, is global versus specific. Does the setback mean something is wrong with you across the board, or is it contained to this one area? Missing a workout doesn't mean you're bad at your job, a bad parent, or a failure as a partner, but global thinking pulls it that direction anyway. Specific thinking keeps the setback where it belongs: "I missed my workout today," not "I can't do anything right."

The people who bounce back fastest tend to explain setbacks as external, temporary, and specific. The people who stay stuck tend to explain them as internal, permanent, and global. The good news is this is a habit, not a fixed trait, which means it's trainable.

One of the most important things I've learned is that thoughts aren't true or false. They're just thoughts. Cognitive fusion is when we start ruminating on a thought until we're fused to it, unable to see past it or around it. Diffusion is the opposite: it's giving yourself mental space from the thought instead of treating it as fact.

So the next time a negative thought shows up, don't try to force it away. Just notice it. Instead of saying "I'm lazy," try "I'm noticing I'm having the thought that I'm lazy."

That small shift creates the same kind of distance as taking a breath before you react. The more you practice diffusing from these thoughts, the better you get at catching them before they spiral into shame. Once you've got that distance, the thought doesn't get to run your behavior anymore. 

My mom didn't know she was teaching a lesson in cognitive behavioral tools that day, she just knew her friend didn't deserve to be talked to that way. But she was right about more than pickleball. Most of us would never let a friend talk about themselves the way we talk about ourselves.

The story you run after a setback isn't just commentary, it's steering your trajectory. Run the story "I always quit," and you'll act like someone who always quits. Run "I missed a day, that's all," and you'll bounce back.

It can be tough to win the argument with your inner critic but if you can catch the story, challenge the truth of it, and practice the same compassion you would give to a friend you’ll be more likely to win.

If you think someone might benefit fro this please share!

-Justin