As always, welcome to anyone who is new here today! Thanks so much for opting into my newsletter! You probably found me through WeightWatchers or Youtube. Todays topic is a continuation on the spooky themed workshop I covered last week.
This week at a workshop I talked about the emotional monsters that stop you from taking action toward changes that really matter to you. They're actually a normal part of change. Your brain tries to scare you away from acting for any number of reasons.
Four months ago I made a video introducing these emotional monsters. You can watch it here (keep the lights on, it’s spooky!)
We were walking through the monsters: shame, fear, guilt, self-doubt. Then someone raised his hand and named one I hadn't put on the list.
Hopelessness.
This one is a little different, because it might not be there at the start of your journey (although it could be). It tends to show up when you don't get the results you want.
That was exactly the case for this man. He said he'd been trying really hard and wasn't getting what he wanted. On top of that, his husband was going through a serious illness, and he'd been in and out of hospitals for months.
I've seen this monster before but have never named it in any writing or video, so I want to talk about it.
In the 1960s, two researchers named Steven Maier and Martin Seligman discovered something they called learned helplessness. When bad things keep happening no matter what you do, you stop trying. For decades, the story was that you learn to give up.
On a side note, this was a pretty terrible study, ethically. They gave dogs shocks they couldn't escape. Later, even when the dogs were able to escape, they just waited until the shock was over. The idea was that they had learned nothing they did mattered. As a dog lover, I find this awful, but I think we can all see the parallel in our own experiences.
Fifty years later, they found they'd had it backwards. Giving up isn't learned. It's what your brain does automatically when stress drags on and nothing seems to change. What you have to learn is the opposite: that your actions actually matter. The dogs had to learn that they could escape. That's exactly what I want anyone dealing with this monster to learn. And I can only say that confidently because I've seen it happen.
So if you're feeling hopeless, your brain is doing exactly what brains do when your effort doesn't seem to get you anything. What you need is to learn that you can succeed.
By the way, diet and exercise do follow pretty simple principles. For exercise, follow a structured plan, make it progressively harder, and you'll get stronger. For diet, create a calorie deficit and you'll lose weight. The problem is that so much else is wrapped up in it, and it can feel like it takes so much ongoing effort. Add a major life stressor like a sick partner, financial strain, no time, illness, or injury, and it's no surprise you might feel hopeless.
Now, this gentleman said hopelessness, but that's not exactly what I saw. He was still acting. He wasn't giving up. He just wasn't getting what he wanted. I told him what I actually saw was someone who was strong.
That's an important lesson I've learned: you can't become stronger without struggle, physically or emotionally. Even though it feels hard, on the other side, if you keep going, you will be stronger.
I also told him about a woman I worked with whose husband was moving into a nursing home. She was a wreck. She had her own limitations to deal with, and now her husband was going to be gone. She had no idea how to run the house on her own, and exercise was the last thing on her mind. She felt hopeless.
In her case, we needed to change the goal. I wanted her to be around people who cared about her. I didn't want her to be alone. The good news is that her husband was able to come home, and she was able to spend more time focusing on herself.
I want to end with this. Yes, I'm quoting Lincoln, but this line really helped me around 2016 when I was trying to figure out what to do with my career, when I felt directionless, and I think it's a fitting way to close.
Abraham Lincoln once wrote a letter to Quintin Campbell, the son of Mary Todd Lincoln's cousin, who was having a grueling, homesick start at West Point and wanted to quit. Lincoln told him:
"I am older than you, have felt badly myself, and know, what I tell you is true. Adhere to your purpose and you will soon feel as well as you ever did. On the contrary, if you falter, and give up, you will lose the power of keeping any resolution, and will regret it all your life."
So whichever emotional monster you're fighting right now, remember that on the other side of it, you will feel better. I hope this gives you some inspiration to keep going with whatever change you're trying to make. If you'd like to share what you're working on, just reply to this email!
-Justin
PS. This might not be you, you might not be fighting something on your change journey. But maybe someone else you know or care about is. Never forget how much a small helping hand can matter to someone.